Where did that feeling come from???

I came down with COVID last week.

I guess it shouldn’t be a surprise as it appears to be on the loose again.

The surprise was remembering the tricky emotional part of COVID-19.

Feelings.

Does anyone remember that?

After a couple of days of feeling poorly and beginning to slowly feel a bit better… all of a sudden, I noticed that I was paying a lot more attention to the nuances of what people said or didn’t say; if they were in touch or not in touch; mulling over a situation and starting to think about it differently.

Oversensitivity or over-focus.

Making things personal that weren’t personal at all.

The truth is all of it was imagined.

It was all a story my imagination concocted.

I began to question these innocuous situations from an emotionally negative or over-sensitive standpoint.

What snapped me out of it?

• I stepped back and looked at the data
• I noticed that how I felt made no sense
• I realized how easily it would have been for me to get totally sucked into how I was feeling.

I refocused. But even knowing all that didn’t work entirely.

It persisted. So, I talked with a good friend and said I believed I was going through the COVID emotion phase and checked out a feeling I was having.

It was based on nothing.

Except that there SEEMED to be enough of a potential something to feed the thought beast.

Fortunately, I checked it out and trusted reality rather than the sticky thought/feeling stuff leading me astray.

How often do we all let our thoughts run away with us? Even without COVID-19?

An idea bubbles up, we don’t check it out and then it becomes a “thing”.

Then if we are lucky, we do check it out, but often people don’t.

Suddenly there’s a problem where there wasn’t one and no one is talking about it.

I am so glad I gave myself a taste of my own teaching and stepped back, evaluated, and followed through. It was such an important reminder that being curious about a feeling is more important than buying it hook line and sinker.

That’s why I created both my Enlightened Communication Through Luminous Living® course and my Divorce Well and Thrive® Coaching program. Communication is key.

Let’s have some fun together finding the best way to have tough conversations or any conversation that means something to you. Those are the tricky ones.

Click here to hop on a call so you can feel like this going into every conversation.

With love,

Liz

So many people have experienced change over the past year – myself included. From scary medical procedures to moving cities. So how do we all remain resilient in the midst of major upheaval whether it is personal, familial, governmental, or cultural?

For me, and what I teach all my clients – coaching, psychotherapy, and corporate – is that when we begin to feel like a leaf in the wind, we are sunk. That’s not the good part, the meaty part. That is the human condition. So, what to do about it? Here’s a tip that is part of my QPT® (Quantum Presence Technique) process and is a quick way to get centered.

1. Breathe and put your attention on your feet.

That’s what I do, and that’s what I teach because it’s impossible to handle any stress, big or small, if you are not present in your body. Putting your attention on your feet and breathing is a shortcut to getting back to home base- You, your own body.

Emotion follows thought.

Have you ever noticed that when you have a seed, just a little seed of information that is or could be true, suddenly the brain is off and running with a story about it? Depending on your inclination that could be scary or wonderful. Either way, it is just a story.

It is not true because it has not happened. You notice I didn’t say “happened yet”. That’s because there is no yet under these circumstances. We actually have no idea what is going to happen.

When we are present in our bodies, we are not being run wild by our thoughts and the emotions that follow our storyline. We can actually make a clear choice about who we are and what we want to choose to feel and do in the moment.

2. Make an Inspired Choice

What makes an inspired choice? The first is step is # 1 above. When you are experiencing presence, full embodiment, you are connected mind, body, spirit, and heart. You realize that you are safe in this moment and that you have come into your body fully with your attention and your breath. You may have a sense of solidity, of feeling grounded, connected to the earth. It comes from having made the decision to be still and notice that gravity is holding you steady. Your intention is all you need to experience the pause that allows you to make choices from your true self, unimpaired by extraneous thoughts.

From this position you can activate the ‘you’ ‘you know is there. The ‘you’ that is not a leaf in the wind. The ‘you’ that you can depend on. It is the same ‘you’ that you’ve depended on when making important decisions, helping someone in crises. All aspects of you working together to take your next step. That is how an inspired choice is made.

Try it. Let me know what happens. Is there more to this? Of course, but this is a great place to start.

For a bit more guidance, click the video below:

It’s 2020 – the beginning of a new decade. But it’s clearly not the end of all the conflict we’ve seen over the past few years. Turn on the local or global news and you’ll see it everywhere. In fact, our environment is so politically charged right now that people are taking sides, sometimes at the expense of their relationships.

The good news? There’s never been a better time to work on reducing conflict with those around us. Especially those we love.

World events aside, we all experience interpersonal interactions that cause stress, whether they occur at home or work, or are related to concerns about our children, aging parents, our own health, or just about anything else. Life is full of situations that can lead to stressful conversations.

When things get heated conversations go awry because of the way we express ourselves. We become flooded with emotion and our frontal lobe (our thinking brain) goes offline. We start talking straight from our limbic system and amygdala (where our survival instincts come from). So, instead of remaining calm and having a productive conversation, we fight.

I know. Even though I’m a clinician and coach, I’ve been in situations where I’ve acted more from emotion than thought. My experience of being a caregiver for my very independent parents and going through a divorce helped me hone everything I teach and test it on myself. The benefit: being in potentially high-conflict, high stress-situations and remain in control over my words and actions. What a life saver that was for my family, because when one person makes a change, it affects the whole, and everyone benefits. We all want to find a way to have less conflict and experience connection rather than suffering.

If you’d like to reduce conflict and stress in your relationships, start with these three tips:

#1: When you’re upset, write down your thoughts and feelings. This practice uncovers the real issue (which is often not what we think it is) and will help you figure out what you really want. Stick to writing about the present issue because dredging up the past will only make the current situation seem bigger than it is.

#2: When you’re ready to begin the conversation, use “I” rather than “you” statements (e.g. “I feel X when Y happens.”). This avoids conflict from the start by ensuring the other person doesn’t feel blamed – and the calm that results allows both parties to feel heard.

#3: Listen actively by repeating back what the other person has said. This not only helps you be certain you’ve heard correctly but also shows the other person they’ve been understood. Active listening also slows down the conversation enough to prevent knee-jerk reactions.

Practice these three tips alone and you’ll be well on your way to a different, more productive approach to conflict in the new decade.

I was speaking with someone today who was sharing the feeling of being scared while talking about separating from her husband. She did have trepidation about separation and divorce but what really frightened her was the response she was getting from the people around her to the potential dissolution of marriage. The responses were so strongly negative and unsupportive, that she thought that they must be afraid of something.

She was excited that I had started a private Facebook group to discuss a new way to deal with divorce because she said that people forget about “that part.” When I asked what she meant, she said that people forget about the part leading up to separation or divorce; that people forget that the individuals involved need support. The story she was telling me highlighted that bystanders will often express their own opinions instead of listening.

It’s sad that when someone is looking for support in the fragile moments of making the huge decision to explore the dissolution of a marriage that what shows up is fear or judgment by others.

The world of divorce is often fraught with so much negativity one can’t see the forest for the trees. The potential outcome is often the focus so people forget how important all the steps in the process are. If friends and family are only focused on the outcome, the couple may feel like they are floundering in a sink or swim effort during the early stages of decision-making.

It’s easy to forget how shocking it can be when someone says something out of the blue that’s a real zinger and knocks you off balance. Listening to her was an important reminder that a good support system is critical.

Much of my work is with people who are in the process of making the decision to separate or divorce or those who have already made the decision and my job is guiding them through more positive ways to approach their situation. Part of this involves talking about the people in their lives who have a lot to say about the dissolution of marriage – whether it’s sharing war stories or giving advice or offering words of approval or disapproval. Since they are not part of the couple, their situation may not apply.

I am so involved in the arena of giving those divorcing the support they need that I can forget how many people don’t reach out for professional support, or how many people go ahead with this very difficult life change without the support of their family or friends, simply because of how their family and friends may feel about divorce in general.

I don’t think anyone goes down the road of divorce lightly. If someone has gotten to the point of deciding to leave a relationship for a period time or has made the decision alone or with their spouse to end the union, they are jumping into the unknown. To take that leap there is, most often, a very good reason. How great it would be if co-workers, friends and family members could remain neutral or supportive.

Often people who are making a major life decision do find that it is a bit frightening to those around them. In the case of divorce, the observer may be afraid they will have to take sides or be involved in the “fight” in some way. They may be afraid for the person or the couple’s children because so many divorces are antagonistic. They may remember their own break ups or their parent’s break ups. They find themselves looking at their own relationships and sometimes they become afraid for themselves.

Dissolution of marriage is a tricky process. It shakes the foundations of many belief systems.

But maybe it is more important to recognize that all people deserve to be in relationships that are healthy for them and sometimes it just isn’t so.

My heart went out to the person who felt she had to do this on her own. It was clear she had good reason to make this difficult decision. I hope that those around her help strengthen her resolve or simply stand by her side without judgment.