So many people have experienced change over the past year – myself included. From scary medical procedures to moving cities. So how do we all remain resilient in the midst of major upheaval whether it is personal, familial, governmental, or cultural?

For me, and what I teach all my clients – coaching, psychotherapy, and corporate – is that when we begin to feel like a leaf in the wind, we are sunk. That’s not the good part, the meaty part. That is the human condition. So, what to do about it? Here’s a tip that is part of my QPT® (Quantum Presence Technique) process and is a quick way to get centered.

1. Breathe and put your attention on your feet.

That’s what I do, and that’s what I teach because it’s impossible to handle any stress, big or small, if you are not present in your body. Putting your attention on your feet and breathing is a shortcut to getting back to home base- You, your own body.

Emotion follows thought.

Have you ever noticed that when you have a seed, just a little seed of information that is or could be true, suddenly the brain is off and running with a story about it? Depending on your inclination that could be scary or wonderful. Either way, it is just a story.

It is not true because it has not happened. You notice I didn’t say “happened yet”. That’s because there is no yet under these circumstances. We actually have no idea what is going to happen.

When we are present in our bodies, we are not being run wild by our thoughts and the emotions that follow our storyline. We can actually make a clear choice about who we are and what we want to choose to feel and do in the moment.

2. Make an Inspired Choice

What makes an inspired choice? The first is step is # 1 above. When you are experiencing presence, full embodiment, you are connected mind, body, spirit, and heart. You realize that you are safe in this moment and that you have come into your body fully with your attention and your breath. You may have a sense of solidity, of feeling grounded, connected to the earth. It comes from having made the decision to be still and notice that gravity is holding you steady. Your intention is all you need to experience the pause that allows you to make choices from your true self, unimpaired by extraneous thoughts.

From this position you can activate the ‘you’ ‘you know is there. The ‘you’ that is not a leaf in the wind. The ‘you’ that you can depend on. It is the same ‘you’ that you’ve depended on when making important decisions, helping someone in crises. All aspects of you working together to take your next step. That is how an inspired choice is made.

Try it. Let me know what happens. Is there more to this? Of course, but this is a great place to start.

For a bit more guidance, click the video below:

It’s 2020 – the beginning of a new decade. But it’s clearly not the end of all the conflict we’ve seen over the past few years. Turn on the local or global news and you’ll see it everywhere. In fact, our environment is so politically charged right now that people are taking sides, sometimes at the expense of their relationships.

The good news? There’s never been a better time to work on reducing conflict with those around us. Especially those we love.

World events aside, we all experience interpersonal interactions that cause stress, whether they occur at home or work, or are related to concerns about our children, aging parents, our own health, or just about anything else. Life is full of situations that can lead to stressful conversations.

When things get heated conversations go awry because of the way we express ourselves. We become flooded with emotion and our frontal lobe (our thinking brain) goes offline. We start talking straight from our limbic system and amygdala (where our survival instincts come from). So, instead of remaining calm and having a productive conversation, we fight.

I know. Even though I’m a clinician and coach, I’ve been in situations where I’ve acted more from emotion than thought. My experience of being a caregiver for my very independent parents and going through a divorce helped me hone everything I teach and test it on myself. The benefit: being in potentially high-conflict, high stress-situations and remain in control over my words and actions. What a life saver that was for my family, because when one person makes a change, it affects the whole, and everyone benefits. We all want to find a way to have less conflict and experience connection rather than suffering.

If you’d like to reduce conflict and stress in your relationships, start with these three tips:

#1: When you’re upset, write down your thoughts and feelings. This practice uncovers the real issue (which is often not what we think it is) and will help you figure out what you really want. Stick to writing about the present issue because dredging up the past will only make the current situation seem bigger than it is.

#2: When you’re ready to begin the conversation, use “I” rather than “you” statements (e.g. “I feel X when Y happens.”). This avoids conflict from the start by ensuring the other person doesn’t feel blamed – and the calm that results allows both parties to feel heard.

#3: Listen actively by repeating back what the other person has said. This not only helps you be certain you’ve heard correctly but also shows the other person they’ve been understood. Active listening also slows down the conversation enough to prevent knee-jerk reactions.

Practice these three tips alone and you’ll be well on your way to a different, more productive approach to conflict in the new decade.

I was speaking with someone today who was sharing the feeling of being scared while talking about separating from her husband. She did have trepidation about separation and divorce but what really frightened her was the response she was getting from the people around her to the potential dissolution of marriage. The responses were so strongly negative and unsupportive, that she thought that they must be afraid of something.

She was excited that I had started a private Facebook group to discuss a new way to deal with divorce because she said that people forget about “that part.” When I asked what she meant, she said that people forget about the part leading up to separation or divorce; that people forget that the individuals involved need support. The story she was telling me highlighted that bystanders will often express their own opinions instead of listening.

It’s sad that when someone is looking for support in the fragile moments of making the huge decision to explore the dissolution of a marriage that what shows up is fear or judgment by others.

The world of divorce is often fraught with so much negativity one can’t see the forest for the trees. The potential outcome is often the focus so people forget how important all the steps in the process are. If friends and family are only focused on the outcome, the couple may feel like they are floundering in a sink or swim effort during the early stages of decision-making.

It’s easy to forget how shocking it can be when someone says something out of the blue that’s a real zinger and knocks you off balance. Listening to her was an important reminder that a good support system is critical.

Much of my work is with people who are in the process of making the decision to separate or divorce or those who have already made the decision and my job is guiding them through more positive ways to approach their situation. Part of this involves talking about the people in their lives who have a lot to say about the dissolution of marriage – whether it’s sharing war stories or giving advice or offering words of approval or disapproval. Since they are not part of the couple, their situation may not apply.

I am so involved in the arena of giving those divorcing the support they need that I can forget how many people don’t reach out for professional support, or how many people go ahead with this very difficult life change without the support of their family or friends, simply because of how their family and friends may feel about divorce in general.

I don’t think anyone goes down the road of divorce lightly. If someone has gotten to the point of deciding to leave a relationship for a period time or has made the decision alone or with their spouse to end the union, they are jumping into the unknown. To take that leap there is, most often, a very good reason. How great it would be if co-workers, friends and family members could remain neutral or supportive.

Often people who are making a major life decision do find that it is a bit frightening to those around them. In the case of divorce, the observer may be afraid they will have to take sides or be involved in the “fight” in some way. They may be afraid for the person or the couple’s children because so many divorces are antagonistic. They may remember their own break ups or their parent’s break ups. They find themselves looking at their own relationships and sometimes they become afraid for themselves.

Dissolution of marriage is a tricky process. It shakes the foundations of many belief systems.

But maybe it is more important to recognize that all people deserve to be in relationships that are healthy for them and sometimes it just isn’t so.

My heart went out to the person who felt she had to do this on her own. It was clear she had good reason to make this difficult decision. I hope that those around her help strengthen her resolve or simply stand by her side without judgment.

Many years ago I had a serious back injury. I was working at a flower shop to earn extra money and get a discount on flowers for my wedding. It was kind of silly. I was taking a break from my regular job as an Art Therapist and thought I should be making money while I was taking the important step of getting married. Goes to show that doing something that we think we are supposed to do or be – in my case, independent; an equal partner – doesn’t always work out the way we think it will. Actually, it really backfired. I ended up lifting a planter. It was a huge, empty planter. Who knew it was incredibly heavy?

Well, that was a week before the wedding. It was a big mistake that launched an incredible journey. Not only did it create a difficult start to our new marriage, it taught me what it meant to heal from the inside out.

It took months and months. Unbelievably, when I was almost back to normal, I got rear-ended at a red light and the healing process began all over again. I guess I hadn’t gotten the full message yet. Once again, I was flat on my back.

For over a year I read all about healing. I listened to meditation tapes. I read all about the body and I read all about people. I read science fiction, biographies, most significantly heroes’ journeys.

Among the books that changed my life and perception were The Goddess Within by Roger and Jennifer Woolger (now unfortunately out of print), and Goddesses in Every Woman by Jean Shinoda Bolen. Both books spoke to a need for connecting with different aspects of ourselves and bringing balance into our lives.

During that time, which I call “my time on the moon,” I began to wonder what I wanted to do with my career and focused specifically on how I was bringing these aspects of myself into the light and into balance. Specifically, I wondered what I would want to attend if I was interested in expanding myself and looking deeper into who I am and how I could be excited about my life.

After much thought, I created A Group for Women About Life, because that’s the program I wanted to experience. I wanted to participate in creating community, exploring all aspects of being a woman and a human being alive on the planet right now, something that would actually have an impact on the way I thought or the choices I would make going forward.

When I created the program I really had no idea how powerful the process I had designed was. Oh, I knew it would be fun and I did know it would be impactful and that people would learn more about themselves and their relationships and position in the world, but I had no idea just how impactful.

I had no idea that people would find a fresh way to look at their relationships, or find the courage to change jobs, or start businesses, or choose to heal very old wounds or be able to find a community where they once felt alone. I knew that people would benefit from awakening the parts of them that had been asleep because of fear or inactivity. But I didn’t know what it would mean to have every aspect of the self actively awake and working in concert. Amazing – really amazing!

After seven years of running the program, I stopped to give birth to a new creation, my son, and begin a different journey. Now it is time to bring this program back. We are in a time of great change. We need our internal lights to be on and working in concert – and getting there is a delicious journey.

Sometimes when we operating based on what we think we are supposed to do or be, we don’t have the whole picture because there is another part of ourselves that hasn’t spoken up yet. Sometimes the voice of our culture is stronger than our own. Sometimes we hear our own voice but it is a one-sided conversation. We don’t use all facets of our intuition to make the best decision – even though often the information is within us waiting to be tapped.

I think I would not have worked in the flower store if I had been fully in touch with my true strength – my aspects of Artemis or Athena. I think if I had been in touch with my Demeter aspect I would have taken better care of myself. Maybe, if I had been in touch more fully with my Persephone, I would have looked deeper within. Had I been more in touch with my Aphrodite aspect I might have been more focused on the relational adventure of joining with another person – my husband to be. I don’t know what decision I would have made back then, but I know with all those beautiful voices chiming in and helping me be fully awake and balanced it probably would have been a better one.

I am so excited to invite you into this sacred and exciting journey once again. It is a wonderful, fulfilling ride.

To learn more about A Group for Women About Life, get on our update list. If you are ready to sign up right now, schedule an enrollment call with Liz.

For men who are interested in a similar transformative journey please click here  and we will be sure to keep you updated for future programs.